I come home and lie in bed
I ask myself, was it my fault?
Dizzy night, looking at the clock
Soon it will be midnight

So, we all remember the year 2020, right? It’s kind of hard to forget about. I mean, NBA legend Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gianna passed away, BLM protests skyrocketed as a result of George Floyd’s murder, Joe Biden became our 46th president. Oh right, and Covid-19 happened. Probably not the most ideal year for me to enter my 20s.

In the midst of the chaos, I found myself adjusting pretty well to what was becoming our new normal. As an introvert, I was all for being 6-feet away from everyone. In fact, stand even further away from me if you can. It was hard not seeing my friends and family in person, but we found creative ways to interact with each other in real time. I did what I could to find light in what seemed to be a dark period.

Even with my high moments, I had my low ones. When September came around, it seemed like the lows would just not stop coming. The month started off strong, as I had my first ever short story published in LSU’s Delta Literary Journal. Though the release party was through zoom, my family celebrated me so much in person. My grandfather especially, as he tried his hardest to read the pages of my story in his hands. I knew he had no clue what he was reading.

A little over a week later, I was in the middle of making spinach dip when I received a phone call. It was my mom. She was calling to let me know that a family friend of ours was outside my apartment building. Thinking that I was just picking up a package or gift, I turned my stove off and headed out without a thought. Once outside, our friend asked if I could get in her car for a second. Still unknowing of what may be happening, I did. I sat in the backseat, and she gave me her phone. My mom was on the other line. I was confused, because I had just gotten off the phone with her about a minute ago. But when I heard her speak, I knew something was wrong.

With a shaky voice, she told me that my grandfather had passed away. Hearing it in that moment, it didn’t really hit me. She said that her, my brother, and my father could drive up to bring me home, I said I was okay. Our friend said that she could drive me home if needed, I said I was okay. I went back inside my apartment building and finished making my spinach dip. I didn’t tell my roommate. I didn’t even know how to say it. “Hey so, my pawpaw just died. Want some spinach dip?” I just held it in, distracting myself with the task at hand. Later that night, with barely any spinach dip eaten after I worked so hard on it, the tears finally came. The next morning, I drove myself home to be with my family.

After that, I didn’t know if that month could become any worse for me. Outside of losing my grandfather, my only other small issue was with my new roommate. I did work up the strength to tell her why I’d be gone for a bit and that she’s welcome to try my spinach dip. There was only one check-in on me from her end during my absence from campus. Once I finally returned, over half of my pan of spinach dip was gone. There is more nuanced context to add, like her owing me $20 to this very day, but that’s a story for another time.

Right when I thought I was going to be able to leave September 2020 behind me, the month ended with a bang. No seriously, a bang. I was getting ready to come home for a few days, since my classes were online for the rest of the week. As I was driving, I suddenly heard a loud sound. My car jolted to the right. It took a few moments for my brain to process it. Someone just ran through a stop sign and into my driver’s side.

I called the police, and then I called my mom. My mom got to the scene quicker than the police, even though my family home is an hour away. The police took 3 hours to come. And when they finally arrived, they decided to not file a police report because, “Well, it’s not always needed.” You can imagine the issues we faced with the insurance claims in the weeks to come.

My heart grows crumpled and I can’t find the words
Why the hell? I ran, tried so hard
Oh, but why does this happen to me?

My mom and I drove back in separate vehicles. Once we safely made it home, she said that she should’ve driven back with me and just left one of the cars on campus, so that I wouldn’t be alone on the ride home. I was actually glad the way things turned out though.

In true Maya fashion, I tried to hold it all in while driving my now wrecked vehicle. I drove up the road to get on the interstate, right behind my mom. At the light, this song came on. And all I can remember doing is crying.

The tears at first were sad, angry tears. How could one month include one of my proudest accomplishments, and so many dark days right after? But as the song continued, my cry changed.

And you’re gonna be happy
Turn this all around
When everything resets at zero o’clock

My day was awful. Several days from that month were awful. I’m sure there are more awful days to come. But, the days will end eventually. Once the clock strikes midnight, a new day starts. A new opportunity starts. A new reason to smile starts. And it’s not easy to smile when it feels like the world is crumbling down on you. But just the knowledge that I was even able to make it into the next day gave me enough reason to smile. I’m still here, it has to be for a reason, right?

The song played in full Korean, but knowing the message prior and some of the translations, it spoke directly to me. The universe knew that I needed to hear it right in that moment. From that day, it has become the soundtrack to my worries. Because very similar to 2020, my 2025 consisted of many highs and many lows, with the lows beginning to outweigh the highs.

Sure, I traveled around the country with my friends and family, and I saw some of my favorite musical artists. But I also lost my aunt to a long battle against cancer. And then I was laid off from my dream job, after nearly three years of feeling secure within it. I was left to mourn my dear aunt and my dream at just the halfway point of the year. I went through months of rejection letters, which led to me being unsure of my skills and myself. Was I not as good as I claimed to be? Should I have followed through with a different career path? Am I letting my family down?

Even though I could have, I didn’t let those voices in my head overpower my life. Instead, I stayed true to this song. I didn’t let my rejections of yesterday bleed into my tomorrow. I was able to start over every day, with new joy and determination. I woke up every day with excitement of what the new day had ahead. And now, I have a new job. My family still loves me. My friends still love me. I can reminisce on my aunt and grandfather fondly. Even with losing my dream job, I can still be the writer that I have always dreamed of being. Just on my terms now.

I’m still not perfect in how I deal with my bad days. But once midnight comes, that old day is gone. I can look forward to my new day to try it all again.